However recently, I have noticed that I can no longer attain my desirable level of contentment at the end of my romantic comedies. On the contrary, most times I have left the theater feeling rather disappointed and sometimes even very very upset. I had attributed this change in reaction to age and the cynicism of the world encroaching on my stupid little girl fantasies.
But then as I left yet another romantic comedy, slightly let down by the pairing on screen, it dawned on me...HE is the problem, my male lead...
He is a chump. “Prince Chump” to be exact.
Somehow, our male leads have done a complete 180 and gone from pre-feminism troglodyte “alpha male” to this metrosexual “prince chump” and managed to bypass the perfect prince charming in the process. If you don’t know what I am talking about let me see if can break it down for you.
Usually our Prince Chump is a good looking, average modern guy. He is not an alpha male jock but still keeps in shape by playing basketball or soccer on the weekends. He has a decent job doing something he loves but is not mainstream (so no "type A" lawyer or businessman) but maybe a sitcom writer, band manager or entrepreneur. And he is single but not, “alone/lonely” - he dates, has fun but it is nothing serious. (i.e. Ashton Kutcher in No Strings Attached, or Laz Alonso in Jumping the Broom)
So right now he is Prince Charming. (sigh, swoon, etc)
But then he meets his Tower Girl, the female lead, whose life is a tower of perfection. She is presented to the audience as our perfect modern female. She is always BEAUTIFUL, and generally smart and/or witty, with the right amount of neurosis to make her cute but not psychotic (sometimes). She has a really consuming and impressive (socially conscious) job or career that takes all of her focus.
Then, through some “cute meet” fluke, our male and female interact for literally 3-5 minutes. A look is exchanged or an obscure joke is shared and they part ways.
He is smitten.
And she...is not.
He then proceeds to spend the next hour or so of the movie pursuing and wooing our Tower Girl, who barely remembers him and is well on her way to finding a cure for blind children in the Amazon. After his first romantic gesture is rejected, our male lead keeps trying and THIS is where our Prince Charming turns into Prince Chump. He should have cut his losses and moved on, but NO. He continues to attempt to woo her and thwart other alpha male knights and slay dragons for her.
Tower girl responds to all of this attention with the enthusiasm of a depressed narcoleptic zombie. She even occasionally has to rebuke him when his “lovelorn” actions accidentally get in the way of her all-consuming career. But our hero, the Regal Chump, will not be dissuaded and perseveres.
WHY?!
Because he is a chump.
We, the audience, know that this perfectly plucky Tower Girl deserves a bit of wooing and true love from our hero but Chump doesn’t. Up until this point, she has been nothing short of rude to him and he just takes it like a
Eventually, Prince Chump catches on and realizes that Tower Girl is “just not that into him” and leaves.
(Honestly, at this point I am okay with that, I do not want them to get together. In my version, this is where the story ends and we’ve all learned a valuable lesson. Hollywood, on the other hand, has different ideas.)
Right about now in the film, Tower Girl begins to miss Prince Chump and whatever light or distraction he brought to her well rounded socially acceptable life. So she makes a little, and I mean a little, bit of effort to contact him either by an email or phone call. Sometimes when they want to make it really dramatic, she frantically hails a cab and goes to his apartment, around the corner, knocks on his door and says something stupid like “I miss you”. And that apparently is all Prince Chump needs because he wraps her in his arms and proposes to her with a ring that he sold his kidney and some treasured family heirloom for and then the movie ends.
WHAT?! WHAT!?! Can you not see my disappointment? Can you not feel my outrage?
This guy jumped through hoops for Tower Girl, SLAYED DRAGONS for her, all while she just looked on with beautiful distracted disdain, she did NOTHING for him and I am supposed to be happy that they end up together in the end.
Are you kidding me!? This just leaves you flat.
It’s like reading the Gift of Magi, but in this version she doesn’t sell her hair and mentions that the comb is kind of the wrong color. (Not as powerful, is it?)
If you are out there Prince Charming, call me. Prince Chump, lose my number...no seriously stop calling...If I get one more bouquet of flowers I am going to start billing you for my allergy shots.
--Squirt
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